Mother’s Day 2023
My Mother-in-Law and the Cigars
I love a good story. And, a time-tested theme in storytelling is that of the overbearing, sarcastic, meddlesome mother-in-law. I wish I could help you out here, but I cannot. You see, my mother-in-law, Pam Krueger, who died a few weeks ago, was a kind, caring, supportive person, whose legacy will remain with me, and my wife, and my children, and my grandchildren forever.
When I first met Pam forty years ago, she was a single mother, although most of her life was spent as a loving wife, in addition to her roles as daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, aunt, and great-grandmother. She traveled extensively with her first husband, Bruce, as they competed in world-class sailing events around the world. Her journey with her second husband, Kurt, not only included physical travel, but was also a long-term, meaningful spiritual journey. After falling in love with her eldest daughter, Carrie, and marrying, and building a family together, I got to know Pam quite well over the years; she was an integral part of our lives.
Pam became very passionate about certain topics, and set out to correct what she believed to be significant problems. I suggest to you that she was the original, “I’m gonna’ write them a letter!” character – I heard her utter that phrase numerous times. I presume she even ended up writing that letter on occasion. As an example, I suspect that the Village of Winnetka was forced to purchase an extra filing cabinet, just to house the various correspondence, and evidentiary materials Pam provided to them regarding the basketball courts established behind the school, across the street from her house on Elm Street. Her letter-writing activities evolved with technology: a dedicated reader of my weekly digital column, she was kind enough to send me emails on occasion, thanking me for sparking some memory from her past – just two weeks before she died, she emailed me in response to a column I wrote, which featured Chicago-style, sixteen-inch softball, and indicated that she remembered seeing games at Thillens Stadium, in the Rogers Park neighborhood of Chicago, years earlier.
A tradition that Pam and I observed years ago was the cocktail hour scotch that we enjoyed together, a custom in which she had participated with her own mother-in-law, Kathryn. I’m attempting to extend this practice to my own children, and my son-in-law, and daughters-in-law. Now, understand that I’m not suggesting that the only way to survive an “in-law” relationship is with alcohol – I’m sure chocolate-chip cookies would do just as well.
You’re probably wondering when I’m going to get around to the cigars. Alright, here you go – there are two cigar-related stories involving Pam which I can recall. Pam confided in me years ago that she knew at a certain point in time that she had a problem with cigars, when she found herself trudging several blocks in a blinding snowstorm to reach a drugstore, in order to purchase cigars. Given that so many people of her generation were cigarette-smokers, I suspect that she had probably quit smoking cigarettes, and had determined that cigars were a less-harmful alternative. I don’t know about you, but the image of my petite mother-in-law smoking a cigar is pretty amusing to me – I cannot envision her lounging with George Burns, or Groucho Marx, or Winston Churchill, puffing away on a cigar.
The second cigar-related memory I have is of receiving a cigar in the mail a year or so ago from Pam. This cigar had a sticker affixed to it, which read, in faded type: “Congratulations! It’s a cigar.” I don’t really remember sending such a commemorative item to Pam, and likely others, upon the occasion of the birth of my first son, Tim, but, I’ll be honest with you, it sounds like something I might have done. As I said, there were likely other recipients of this announcement, but Pam is the only one who saved it for thirty-five years, and surfaced it as a reminder of a memorable occasion for us both, so many years later.
Thank you Pam, for the treasured memories. I’ll be sure to raise a tumbler of scotch in your honor, and maybe even fire up a cigar – probably not the thirty-five-year-old cigar, though.
Literacy Pittsburgh Celebrates Forty Years
Hi, I’m Bill Southern, Director of Finance for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. And, I’m honored to have been a member of Literacy Pittsburgh’s board of directors for the last several years. Literacy is obviously a critical element in the success of the Post-Gazette’s business model – we depend upon a base of dedicated readers of our print products, and of our growing portfolio of digital media offerings.
But, as I have learned more about Literacy Pittsburgh’s mission, I have come to realize that there is much more to the organization than simply helping people learn to read. Yes, that’s an important cornerstone, but Literacy Pittsburgh is also committed to: driving educational advancement; enhancing job growth opportunities and job placement outcomes; and fostering the development of engaged citizens, including those newest members of the Pittsburgh community.
The Post-Gazette, and its owners, members of the Block family, have long been supporters of Literacy Pittsburgh, and its activities in Pittsburgh. So, on behalf of the Post-Gazette, and the Block family, I’d like to congratulate Literacy Pittsburgh on its fortieth anniversary – we celebrated our 40th anniversary 196 years ago, and welcome Literacy Pittsburgh to the club.
Thank you.
Going from Zero to Sixty
Carrie Southern is sixty-years-old today. I’m sure that you’ll agree with me that the above headline is appropriate for Carrie, given the boundless energy she has exhibited her entire life. I’ve been most fortunate to have shared the most recent thirty-seven of those years with her. But, I’m clearly not the only one who has benefited from Carrie’s impact upon my life. Included here are notes and photos and other “rememberings” from some of the many other people with whom Carrie has been connected. . .enjoy the memories!
From Gloria Dreyer:
My dear friend, I can’t believe I only have one picture of the two of us, in almost two decades of a friendship I hold close to my heart. You are a beautiful lady, and I am so grateful we have maintained our friendship even with the distance, although I truly miss our dinners and ‘heart-to-hearts’. I wish you a fabulous milestone birthday, and I so hope a reunion is in the cards for us in the next few months!
Love you! Gloria ♥️
♥️
♥️
♥️
From David Shribman:
This is a phrase that I never thought would spill onto my keyboard but the notion that Carrie is turning 60 is clearly fake news.
But the more I thought about it the more I realized that, just as the Canadian dollar is not equal to the American dollar, the measure known as the SFA (Southern Family Age) reveals not the chronological age of someone like Carrie, who to judgement of the eyes is clearly approaching 45, but instead is a measure of the burden experienced by living with Bill Southern. So let’s agree: Carrie is 45, but by the measure of the SFA it is possible that she might well be 60. One way or another, she is eternally youthful. As for living with Bill, no one’s judgment is perfect. Anyway, congratulations to them both.
From Penny Anderson and Family:
Thank you for your love, support, and wisdom during life’s most precious moments. You are amazing, strong, and truly extraordinary.
We are all lucky and blessed to have you in our lives.
Love, Penny, Roger, Kyle, Jake, Remy (and Badger)
From Emily Drees:
From Kim Johns:
Carrie, warmest wishes for a very happy 60th birthday! I hope it included lots of cake!
Kim
From Pam & Kurt Krueger:
From Sandy Bowlin:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARRIE
I’m soooo glad we crossed paths within the last year. I value your friendship and do look forward to many more times of laughter and fellowship. Please have a Blessed Day Sandy B
From Sue & Mike Basely:
Dearest Carrie, You bring happiness and joy to every day and to every occasion! Thank you for playing your violin at our wedding 50 years ago (“Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring”). I remember well the perfectly performed song….but, even more, your confident, winning smile. We wish you a very happy 60th birthday and much joy in the years ahead. We love you!
️Aunt Sue and Uncle Mike
From Candy Loftus:
Happy 60th Birthday Carrie! I’m not far behind you in getting to the BIG 60, so let’s make a plan to celebrate soon! You’ve become a special friend to me and someone that I can always count on for moral support and an honest opinion. I will be forever grateful for how you have taken my Mother under your wing. She thinks the world of you! I’m looking forward to more good times and laughs at our lunches together. Wishing you the best always!
Love Candy
From Bill & Kris Goldsmith:
Dear Carrie,
Happy 60th Birthday! Today we can reflect on decades of memories and what you have meant to us. You have always been an amazing planner and caretaker and we are thankful for everything you have done for us over the years. We have enjoyed every minute together at the cottage or during family events and of course on our special trips to Barbados! You have many accomplishments to celebrate and we are proud to call you our sister and our friend.
Love, Bill & Kris
Guide to below pictures:
1) 2007 Carrie w/her “niece” Jamie
2) 2009 Always cooking for us!
3) 2013 Kurt’s 80th Birthday
4) 2013 Siblings w/a very convenient photo bomb!
5) 2017 Barbados THE Best!
From Patrick Southern:
Mom is the best. I have so many memories from growing up of her putting her everything into making sure I was OK and doing well, and I am so incredibly grateful to her for all of it. If we expressed the slightest interest in something that seemed like a good thing for us to be into as kids, my mom would make it happen. She probably took me to the bookstore hundreds of times before I was 13, and maybe that was because she could tell I loved books, or maybe that was the reason I grew to love them. And, if you know my mom, you know that every aspect of our house, schooling, health, and extracurriculars were immaculately organized and she never dropped the ball. Those were core and they were taken care of. But, outside of that we had remarkable freedom. Whether that was my dad’s theory that “Benign Neglect” is the best approach in play or my mom’s style for complete freedom once that core was taken care of, who knows? But, it made for a very fun childhood full of setting up our own zip-line 40 feet up a tree in the yard, jumping off trampolines into the pool, and riding bikes around the neighborhood for hours every day. That strategy seems to have worked out. When we talk on mother’s day, I credit her with a big part of why I am generally happy and healthy now that I’m older. She always says that she’s not so sure about that. But, I am. So Mom, on your 60th birthday, let me say wholeheartedly that I’m so glad to have you in my life. Happy birthday! Love, Patrick.
Love you,
Patrick
From Debbie & John Helledy:
Dear Carrie, a wagon full of cousins sent to wish you a wagon full of wishes for your sixtieth birthday.
Love, Aunt Debbie and John
From Isaac Southern:
From Susan Gross:
Happy 60th Birthday Carrie!
What an honor and pleasure to be part of your birthday blog. I wish you all the best as you start your 61st year. It’s going to be a year of moments, and there will be love in all of them!
I’ve had a great time remembering our times together. Certainly there is a lot to reflect on—you’ve been my sister for 57 years and five months. That is just something no one else on this planet is experiencing. When I look back, I realize how much I wanted to be like you. I wanted short hair, and since that didn’t seem to be an option for my type of hair, I wanted to have your type of hair! I couldn’t wait for your “hand-me-down” clothes. Everyone dreaded going through the attic and rifling through the boxes of clothing, but I loved it. I’m sure I picked out some nice things for myself when I had the opportunity, but what you picked out was just so much nicer. I guess it’s no accident that I not only wore your wedding dress for my own wedding, but I was so happy to do so. Because it was yours, it was beautiful. I will just point out that sleeves have become extinct since 1987, so I can’t say it’s timeless!
Aside from being my childhood idol, I learned a lot from you. Your signature move as a babysitter was cleaning up the home. Somehow I got wind of that and started making that my signature move as well. The customers were happy, and I enjoyed the tip. Little did you know that I was thinking “What would Carrie do with this nasty toaster and hodgepodge of toys in the family’s playroom?” Of course, I didn’t have that tendency toward order in our own family home. Maybe you noticed that.
One of my favorite memories was when I visited you at the Chi-O house when we were both in college. We were sitting with a few of your sorority sisters, just hanging out in your room. And it occurred to both of us how much better it would be if we sorority sisters as well as sisters. We could share a room and friends and college experiences. Maybe we would also be sharing ourselves with each other outside the confines and patterns of our family. Had I been a better tennis player and had stronger skills outside of math, I’m sure I would have followed in your footsteps toward Indiana University and then been nurtured into your Chi Omega home. I have a picture in my mind of the two of us that day in your room. I have been looking for the actual photograph for days, because I really thought a picture would speak a thousand words. But do you know what really speaks a thousand words? It’s the love I felt that day; it’s the love I feel for you; it’s the gratitude for you being in my life.
There were times when you would just do something that made me happy. We were on a family vacation when I was about 11. It was afternoon, and we had come back from the beach. You gave me a package of Oreos. I was certainly old enough to find my own snacks (a skill I have perfected in the following years). You thought about me and took care of my “needs”. You gave me Oreos, and I received attention, love, and nurturing. Who knew how nourishing a package of Oreos could be (there were six cookies, regular Oreos—double-stuff wasn’t invented yet).
There is no doubt you have been with me in all kinds of times: happy, terrifying, trying. You lead the way not just as an older sibling, but as a person, a woman, a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend. You walk alongside me and are there to listen, understand, encourage, celebrate, and challenge (challenge only when necessary, of course). You also shore up my foundation when needed. You have certainly carried me out of giant holes when I seem to have broken through what was supposed to be holding me up. You have embraced my family and held out your hand to make them part of yours. For all of this, I thank you and marvel at your spirit, courage, resilience, and love.
I also thank you for where we are today. We are sisters, not just because we have the same parents, but because we share a bond. You will always be my “older” sister—you just turned 60 for God’s sake! But unlike the wedding dress, our beautiful sisterhood is timeless and will always be in style.
Many happy returns of the day, Carrie.
With much love,
Susan
From Bill Southern:
It’s been said that, “A picture is worth a thousand words.” I’m more comfortable writing, than I am snapping pictures. Nonetheless, I’m smart enough to know when to keep my mouth shut, and let the images tell the story – I figure I’ve saved all of us about fifty-thousand words – you’re welcome:
A special thanks to all of our freelance contributors to this piece. We love you very much, Carrie! And, we wish you a very happy 60th birthday!
Thanks,
B.S.
Joe is the Clear Winner in 2020
I would like to nominate Joe Fogarty for the prestigious, “Region 19 Man of the Year” award for 2020. Joe absolutely embodies the lofty principles of this long-dormant award, launched initially in the late 1980’s, by a handful of drunken KU Teke fraternity brothers in the Chicago area, and which is awarded entirely at random. I think it’s safe to say that Joe’s selection is “probably just as appropriate as the next guy,” as I have so eloquently detailed in my nominating petition to the board.
Congratulations to Joe, who is in the process of turning sixty-years-old. Having turned sixty myself, earlier this year, I can attest to the physical, mental, and other challenges which will no doubt bedevil Joe, as he enters his senior years. So, it will become doubly important that Joe keep a ready supply of alcohol on hand.
Joe has become an inveterate Chicagoan, even more so than me, and I like to claim that I spent 36-and-a-half of my formative years in Chicago, even though I lived within Chicago’s city limits for exactly one of those years. And, I’ve been an expatriate for twenty-four years now. So, even though it’s not a contest, Joe wins. Living near Wrigley Field for these many years certainly bolsters his case.
I have had the pleasure of attending numerous Jayhawk football and basketball games over the years with Joe, in such exotic locales as: Ann Arbor, Columbus, Milwaukee, Chicago, and yes, even Lawrence. And, who can forget Joe’s inappropriate and insensitive outburst at the conclusion of the 1988 NCAA Final Four final game, in which KU beat Oklahoma, when several of us were huddled around a 13-inch television set, in Mike Pierce’s apartment? I’m not able to relate what he yelled in mixed company.
Since our days in Lawrence, Joe has evolved, becoming an excellent husband, father, ex-husband, and gourmet chef, deploying herbs grown in a pot housed on a fire escape in a Chicago apartment building; there’s nothing quite like “Chicago apartment building fire escape potted herbs!” Let’s see Bobby Flay attempt to pull off that mean feat. Joe is quite a good chef – I’ve been the beneficiary of his cooking several times, and he continues to taunt us with his culinary talents on Facebook.
Joe is justifiably proud of his son, Liem, who has headed off to Central Michigan University, in Mount Pleasant. And, some day I’ll learn his secret to success at remaining employed by the same company for more than five years – a skill I have yet to master.
So, as you can see, Joe is as good a choice as any other to be this year’s recipient of the “Region 19 Man of the Year” award. Please join me in congratulating Joe upon his receiving this prestigious award, which used to come with a handsome trophy and sports-jacket, but those accoutrements were misplaced years ago by one of the above-mentioned, drunken KU Teke fraternity brothers. Therefore, Joe will have to settle for a printable copy of a hastily-assembled certificate, suitable for discarding unwanted in a desk drawer, which is attached as a Word document to this post. A screenshot facsimile appears here:
Congratulations to Joe! I love you, man!
Thanks,
B.S.
Farewell to Our Millennial Colleague, or. . .Brian Finds His “P”
As our esteemed colleague, Brian Rossi, moves on professionally, I feel it appropriate to reflect on what we’ve learned from him during his time here at the PG. I used to consider myself a “data guy”, but I’m not even in the same weight-class as Brian, when it comes to wielding data; he’s the heavyweight. Ironic, no, given our respective profiles?
Brian has developed our reporting and analytic capabilities to a point where we are able to target sales and retention efforts, making them much more effective. This positions us to successfully pivot our business model and rapidly grow our consumer-based revenue. Now it’s our job not to screw that up.
Other favorites to which Brian has led me include: MRR, ARR, and Lifetime Value of Subscribers, all segmented by source, discount-level, and offer-type. And, who can forget his affinity for “A/B Testing?”
So, we’ll miss him, as he moves along, but he’s left us in a good place. One thing I won’t miss is the opportunity to spend two-and-a-half hours in a car with Brian, as he moans the entire time. Good times! And, without a Millennial in the management-team lineup, I suppose we’ll be giving up the ping-pong table in the breakroom, and the twelve different flavors of Mountain Dew in the vending machine?
In accordance with the all-important rule of three, I’d like to recognize three key things I’ve learned about Brian, which are decidedly non-Millennial:
- Brian has begun building his inventory of single-malt scotches, gaining roughly a twenty-five year head start on my efforts.
- Brian and Tisha are embarking on a major home renovation project – I’m jealous of the single-malt scotch inventory project, but I’m not even a little bit jealous of the home renovation effort – good luck with that!
- Brian is moving on to a monolithic organization, which might prove a bit more rigid and structured than the PG; sorry man, you likely won’t find that ping-pong table and the twelve different flavors of Mountain Dew there, but we wish you the best!
And, in the final analysis, Brian is moving along to an organization which will require very little adjustment on his part: he merely needs to add a “P” to his “PG” – let’s raise our glasses and wish Brian well in finding his “P”!
Thanks,
B.S.
Marie’s Shelf
My friend, Marie Vogt. died last week, at the age of ninety-nine. She was a remarkable woman, founding the Toledo Ballet in 1939 (let that sink in for a moment), and mounting a production of “The Nutcracker” a couple of years later, which I’m told represents the longest-running consecutive annual production of “The Nutcracker” in the nation.
Having known Marie for fewer than ten years, I defer to others who have known her for a much longer period of time to reflect on her legacy of delivering the arts and arts education to the Toledo community. There is no doubt about the significance of her contributions on those fronts.
Instead, I’d like to recall my personal relationship with Marie, which began seven or eight years ago, when I was asked to join the board of the Toledo Ballet. Marie, at that point in her nineties, was an active board member, never shy about sharing her opinions. She typically eschewed such honorary titles as, “Founder”, or “Emeritus”, although she was quite savvy in recognizing the merits of deploying them when there was promotional or development benefit to be garnered for her beloved Toledo Ballet.
Whenever I saw Marie, she was always solicitous, asking me about my work, and, given that I worked for the local newspaper publisher, never failed to comment on articles appearing in that day’s newspaper, and offered her thoughts. She enjoyed discussing sports; LeBron James was a particular favorite of hers, during his time with the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Marie had long ago recognized the disconnect between the arts and the business communities; people operating primarily in one sphere or the other spoke different languages, and viewed the world differently. Likely her husband, Ted, had helped to expose that chasm. In fact, Marie gifted to me a copy of a book she published in 1973, entitled, “The Businessman’s Ballet Book”, intended to bridge that gap, and enable husbands, boyfriends, and fathers to better understand the world of ballet enjoyed by their loved ones. Thanks to Marie, I’m able to freely discuss and admire the proper execution of an arabesque, or a jete’.
Marie was a more dutiful friend to me than I was to her. She was attentive to the practice of sending handwritten (and, actually hand-drawn) notes frequently – a practice encouraged by my mother when I was a youngster, but which apparently never really took hold. I’ll admit that I struggled a bit reading her handwriting, but I could certainly detect the warmth and kindness in these notes. And, as I suggested, she had personally drawn these note-cards, as well as crafting the illustrations included in her 1973 book – a true renaissance woman, indeed.
I had the good fortune to be in attendance, as she was honored several times in recent years. One such award was the “Governor’s Award for the Arts Ohio”, presented by the Ohio Arts Council; another was as a “Woman of Achievement” from the YWCA. My memory of the Governor’s Award event was of dining with Marie and others during that trip to Columbus, during which she dug-in with a bone-in ribeye and a dirty martini. I got the sense she could adapt to virtually any social situation, and be comfortable, just as she was that evening. Assisting her with getting to and from the stage to be honored was a task I welcomed. She referred to me as one of her “boys”; being forty years her junior, I was proud to wear that title.
Perhaps by the time I got to know Marie, she had become the kinder, gentler Marie. But, I certainly got the sense that she could be a tough taskmaster when it came to her craft. She shared with me a story about casting The Nutcracker in the early days, and indicated that she had cast a young girl in the Clara role, in part due to a generous financial contribution provided to the Ballet by the girl’s father. The following year, the girl had put on some weight, and in Marie’s opinion, was no longer Clara-material. Her principled stance led her to cast a new Clara. I never learned whether or not that action affected the Ballet’s pocketbook.
The evidence of the impact of Marie’s friendship is actually quite tangible for me. In my office in the Pittsburgh area is a bookcase which features a shelf dedicated to my collection of those handwritten, hand-drawn notes, and my copy of “The Businessman’s Ballet Book” – it is simply, “Marie’s Shelf”, and I eagerly share my stories about Marie with visitors to my office. I invite you to stop in some time to view it.
Thanks,
B.S.
Father’s Day Advice
Because Richard Milhous Nixon (yes, his middle name was co-opted by Matt Groening for a character in The Simpsons) signed a proclamation, as President in 1972, declaring Father’s Day a national holiday, I thought it would be appropriate to turn to him for advice to offer my children on Father’s Day. Unfortunately, our 37th president offers slim pickings when it comes to inspiration for youngsters. Or for adults, for that matter.
Consider this one: “What starts the process, really, are laughs and slights and snubs when you are a kid. If your anger is deep enough and strong enough, you learn that you can change those attitudes by excellence, personal gut performance.”
Or, this gem: “Remember, always give your best. Never get discouraged. Never be petty. Always remember, others may hate you. But those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.
And he actually said this as well: “I know you heard what you thought I said, but what I said isn’t what I meant.” That truly is pretzel logic (shoutout to Steely Dan!)
Not exactly the kinds of things you’d offer to your child, as they dash onto the soccer field, or into the spelling bee fray.
So I decided to go in a different direction – George Washington. In addition to being a father, he was also the father of our country, right? How can you go wrong with good old GW, eh? (setting aside the pesky issue of his being a slave-owner – I get why statues of Nathan Bedford Forrest – another fun middle name fact – this guy’s was utilized for the eponymous character in Forest Gump – need to be jettisoned, and Aunt Jemima is clearly offensive, but Eskimo Pies are delightful, and it seems an unnecessary step to eliminate, or re-brand them).
Now, this may not be the most memorable line George ever delivered (remember the cherry tree incident?), but it sure gives one pause, and makes one think: “A pack of jackasses led by a lion is superior to a pack of lions led by a jackass.” I almost believe he was presciently thinking thirty-six presidents ahead when he uttered that bit of wisdom.
So, there you go, kids – sage advice for you on Father’s Day. You’re welcome!
Thanks,
B.S.
A Sixty-Year-Old Rebuttal
In anticipation of my 6oth birthday next week, I’ve decided that it’s prudent to prepare a rebuttal for the inevitable poking of fun at my expense, by friends and colleagues, who might seize upon my personal proclivities, and those more general characteristics associated with aging. The title of this post suggests that I have been developing this rebuttal for some time, but I likely should have inserted an apostrophe, indicating a possessive case; punctuation is not my strong suit.
As the saying goes, “The best defense is a good offense.” Or, is it the other way around? Who knows?
I don’t consider myself old, or irrelevant in any way, but, let’s face it, we all have our quirks, and, as I attempt to determine which of those attributes are most ripe for being mocked in the public square, I have developed the following potential list (I hope I’m not inadvertently priming the pump here):
- Aging comes with mobility limitations – having recently purchased an elliptical machine, and, armed with good intentions, I have experienced significant frustration at my lack of progress. I’ve been unable to crest past a couple of minutes at a time on the machine, so I can own this one. It’s easy to blame health problems, including the fact that I celebrated my 59th birthday in the emergency room, preparing for a heart procedure to repair an atrial flutter. But, my kids believe that I simply need to roll up my sleeves and advance.
- Forgetfulness – As people age they are apt to forget things, like car keys, their wife’s birthday, grandchildren in the back seat of the car, and what suit is trump when playing Euchre. Fortunately, instant recall is afforded for important things such as the starting lineup of the 1969 Cubs, and that one perfect wedge shot on the 15th hole six years ago from sixty-five yards away that rolled right into the hole.
- Tweeting hateful things all night long – Boy, if I had a nickel. . .wait a minute, this one isn’t about me, it’s about another old guy, whose hair is a bit more orange than mine.
- Chinese food – Alright, I like Chinese food. Yes, I know it’s not good for you, what with all that MSG and all. By the way, what is MSG? Maybe it’s not so bad after all.
- Steely Dan – I am indeed a fan of Steely Dan, and actually saw them in concert last year. Which is to say that I saw Donald Fagen, surrounded by a bunch of younger musicians, because Walter Becker had died, and Donald Fagen has gotten old. I did engage in a ninety-six-week-long exercise, which featured “Steely Dan Wednesday”, in which I shared a link to a Steely Dan recording on Youtube in an email to my three children. Trying to impart the wisdom of the ages to the kids, you know.
- Vintage television – Having recently cut the cable cord, and subscribed to Hulu and a couple of other streaming services, there is a seemingly limitless array of television programming available to me. And, what do I choose to watch? I powered my way through the five complete seasons of the Dick Van Dyke Show, which I maintain is a classic TV show. They don’t make them like they used to! Boy, does that make me sound like an old fart. I’m also working my way through two other vintage TV shows (one of which I’m not very proud): Barney Miller; and Alf. My wife claims that, when browsing through TV viewing options, I’m likely to land on anything that is tied to Kennedy, Hitler, or Charlie Manson. What can I say, I’m a sucker for history.
- Technology gap – This one would no doubt be endorsed by my daughter, who complained recently, “Dad, you gotta’ quit posting links to Yahoo images on social media – it’s too much work to click on a link to produce an image, which should simply be there in the first place.” Alright, I’m working on it. At least I still know how to work the TV remote.
- Vehicle longevity – It’s not that I’m a cheap bastard, I simply don’t care about cars. Even having lived in Detroit for ten years, I am, in no way, shape, or form, a car guy. So, to me, driving an eight-year-old Fusion, with nearly 200,000 miles on it is perfectly reasonable. As an accountant, I’m trying to wring value out of a very expensive investment. And, much to my wife’s chagrin, I’m stubborn enough to keep at it.
- Nodding off – I admit it, I sometimes doze inappropriately. I found myself getting a bit sleepy at the movies the other night. In fairness to me, it was a crappy movie. And, I am quite vigilant about remaining awake while behind the wheel (you know, of the eight-year-old Fusion with nearly 200,000 miles on it).
This is just a short list of attributes which may or may not have been exploited by my friends and colleagues, as they highlight what an old man I have become. Believe me when I say that this list barely represents the tip of the iceberg; my wife could provide three-hundred more in the blink of any eye. Which is why editing privileges have not been enabled for her for this blog. Allow me to point out that I’ve had sixty years to develop and refine these quirks. And, I plan to wield them with pride.
Thanks,
B.S.
A Century of Progress
At the tender age of 57, I was warmly welcomed into the PG fold by Lisa Hurm and Rob Weber, and the rest of their merry band. I very much enjoy working with the team, and have grown quite fond of the two of them. As I considered how best to repay that kindness, I asked myself, “WWDMD”? You know, “What would Dean Martin do?” (he notices blank stares in the crowd, and perhaps a few nervous chuckles). The “Dean Martin Celebrity Roast” from the seventies and eighties? Nothing? Ah well, you can google it later. In any event, the answer was clear: at a gathering of friends and colleagues, I should mercilessly poke fun at them.
In that spirit, I have prepared a multimedia presentation, which I would like to share with you. There’s an old adage, which stipulates that if you have to explain a joke, it ain’t funny. Regardless, I plan to provide color commentary on our journey this evening. My lovely assistant will help me with the second piece of media, which validates that this is indeed a multimedia presentation.
Most people live their lives in the inside pages of the newspaper: birth announcements, engagement announcements, police reports, job promotions, and, eventually, obituaries. Lisa Hurm and Weber are two people who live their lives on the front page – A1 – above the fold. I’d like to share with you a few headlines regarding their lives, which you may have missed.
(He turns to his lovely assistant, and nods.) Let’s begin.
“U.S. DOL to require use of first and last names in the workplace”
This first headline, summarizing a recent Department of Labor directive, states plainly that colleagues need to be acknowledged by both their first and last names. Take Weber here, as an example. He’s got a first name, for Chrissake! I’m not able to recall that name right at this moment, but, I’m pretty sure he’s got a first name.
“Grappa named official after-dinner drink of female CEO group”
In a nod to her heritage, Lisa enjoys Grappa, which, according to Wikipedia, is a fragrant, grape-based pomace brandy of Italian origin that contains 35 to 60 percent alcohol by volume (70 to 120 US proof). Now, I don’t know if Grappa is in the plans after dinner this evening, but, having done the math, if it is, I’ve got my Uber app handy for you.
“Mt. Lebanon Zoning Board grants shoe closet variance“
You might think this is a phony headline, but, in reality, it’s true. Lisa made the mistake of confiding in me about a zoning board variance she and her colleagues granted in Mt. Lebanon, enabling a neighbor to build an addition onto her house, which was intended solely to provide closet space for her vast designer shoe collection – justifiably earning her the honorary title of the Imelda Marcos of western PA.
“Senior citizens warned about health threats of cross-fit training”
Weber is a cross-fit training enthusiast. (He turns toward Weber, imploringly.) “You gotta’ give this up, man – you’re fifty, for Chrissake! Dude, you’re gonna’ break a hip! Quit it! Now!” That’s friendly, albeit unsolicited, advice from a slightly older, marginally-maintained, deskbound white-collar worker. So, take it for what it’s worth.
“‘Thought-bubble’ speech not protected by First Amendment”
Given that we’ve already established that it’s a pretty bad idea to confide in me, I’d like to share a dark conversation I had a while back with our leader. Lisa indicated to me that, on occasion, she could visualize thought-bubbles above her head, revealing her thoughts, but only to her. Which apparently is a good thing, because some of those thoughts. . .not so nice. Now, my personal experience with Lisa is that she is always gracious and thoughtful, and professional, but if I see her glance toward the ceiling while we’re chatting, I’m going to wonder what evil thoughts are flying around above her head. And now, thanks to me, so will you.
“Remains discovered in PG building might be Hoffa”
This headline actually has nothing to do with these two. But, as an honorary member of the Jimmy Hoffa task force (I lived in the Detroit area a few years ago when authorities tore up a driveway in Oakland County, based on a tip), I’m always on the job. I planted this headline in an attempt to gauge their reaction to this news to determine their potential involvement in Hoffa’s disappearance. I don’t know what you saw; I didn’t see anything suspicious in their reaction, but, you know, they know some guys; that’s all I’m gonna’ say about it.
“Teamsters claimed they learned new expletives from Newspaper GM”
Lisa is known to enhance the effectiveness of her advice by deploying expletives, designed to focus a listener’s attention. This headline might have referred to ‘longeshoremen blushing’, but given her career-path, I think the Teamsters reference is most appropriate. Also, a show of hands from those at whom Lisa has thrown things? One, two, too many to count. Also an effective management tool.
“New meds approved by FDA to treat year-round colds”
I haven’t been keeping track, but I’m pretty sure that Weber has been sick for a year-and-a-half, without a break. Given the presence of young children in his home (a rookie mistake he’ll no doubt not repeat), once a virus touches down in the seven-county region, it’s guaranteed that the magnetic and kinetic energy generated by the hospitable virus host that is Weber’s body will soon welcome that virus with open arms into the Weber household.
“Steeler great snubs long-time fan; claims he didn’t recognize her”
At this year’s Dapper Dan event, Lisa was hoping to recreate a picture she had taken with Franco Harris, back when she was a youngster; if you haven’t seen the picture, you need to go see it, it’s adorable. Now I won’t for a minute suggest that she stalked him all evening, and attempted to tackle him as he exited the men’s room, because probably none of that happened. But, she did want a picture with him. And, alas she came up empty that evening. In fairness to Franco, she wears her hair a bit differently, and she’s grown up some. So, I’m sorry for Lisa that Dapper Dan wasn’t able to provide her with that (wait for it) “Immaculate Reception” she deserved.
“2019 fall collections feature more plaid shirts and vests for men”
Who knew that Weber was “fashion-forward”? Young men in Milan and Paris are demanding plaid shirts and vests, as we speak, emulating this unique style, which can only be characterized as “Western PA Pressroom Chic”.
“Studies reveal that ‘female-heavy’ households limit sports banter”
Poor John Hurm and Weber – they are way out-numbered in their respective households. In addition to missing out on long discussions on who deploys the “nickel” defense schemes most effectively, their ability to scratch, and spit, and cuss is also limited.
“Missteps in guessing colleagues’ ages linked to poor diet”
A few years ago, someone within the organization indicated that Lisa and I were about the same age, although he believed she was perhaps a couple of years older than I. Needless to say, the position of the “Guess Your Age” guy on the midway at the carnival remains open. For the record, I am now, and will always be, nine years older than Lisa, although my wife would suggest that often acting like a child makes me skew younger.
“Problems blamed on ‘bad tech’ can often be traced to human error”
‘Bad Tech’ is surfaced at times as a root cause of problems encountered at the office. If only we had access to someone like, “Nick Burns, Your Company’s Computer Guy” from “Saturday Night Live”. Then, we too could, “Move!” Most I.T. guys point to “Operator Errors”, or “Process Issues” – that’s their relatively benign way of calling all users, “dumbasses”.
“Dispense phony compliments equally to colleagues, say experts”
This is a good object lesson I recently learned, when thanking a colleague for a fine bit of driving from Pittsburgh to Toledo. I now make it a point to thank the driver on each of these trips, no matter how painful the journey, including constant moaning, excessive gas-passing, offensive-smelling snacks, spilled beverages, unpleasant conversation, and even in those instances in which the trip was relatively pleasant. And, each time I am rewarded with an equally-phony, “You’re welcome,” acknowledging that neither of us wanted to be there, but had no choice.
“As with real marriages, over 50% of ‘work-marriages’ end in divorce”
Lisa and Weber may have stepped into those faux roles of “work-husband” and “work-wife”, when they were working so closely together building the Clinton plant. And I think that if any “work-couple” has a chance for its relationship to prosper, it’s these two kids. You know, for the sake of (he spreads out his arms). . .the kids. We’re rooting for you.
“Local group to celebrate a ‘Century of Progress’”
Rather than celebrate two middle-aged colleagues turning fifty, isn’t it a lot more fun. . .and scarier. . .to highlight one hundred years of excellence between them. PG has certainly benefited from their involvement here, as have we all. “Rule No. 1” stipulates that we should all secure a beverage, and raise a glass: “To Weber and Lisa – let’s light these many candles!”
Thanks,
B.S.
thanksbs 